I like helping people. I like making them feel better. I can't stand it when one of my friends is depressed, and I'll do anything to make him or her feel better. But there are boundaries.
One of my guy friends is a problem magnet. Four months ago, we started talking regularly, and he told me he was depressed. I spent time and effort trying to make him feel better. I talked to him almost every night, comforting him and trying to make him see he wasn't worthless. I guided him through his breakup with his girlfriend, who incidentally is also one of my friends, and I put up with hours of listening to complaints about how horrible she was, how intolerant, how needy. Meanwhile, I heard the exact same story from her, so I didn't judge either of them.
Eventually, he started hitting on me. He hinted that he liked me, that he should take me for coffee the next time I was in town, that we should hang out together. He told me that he had found another girl, blah blah blah yada yada yada. He hinted heavily. He inquired about my love life, which at the moment was going through difficult times because of the transition to college. I didn't respond to his advances. He hadn't outright told me I was 'the girl' he mentioned so much when he told me of his new love interest, so I feigned ignorance. Eventually, he did, so I told him I wasn't interested. Sound like a big deal? Not really. This isn't the first time he'd turned to me for affection, and both times I've told him I wasn't interested.
Eventually, he gave up for a whole two weeks, then started talking about a girl again. A different girl. She lived three hundred miles away, and he hadn't seen her in a good while, yet he was smitten. He told me everything, how she was nice and smart and a wonderful person. How he was in love, yet was afraid of being hurt again. How he talked to her for two hours every night. How he wanted to ride his new motorcycle three hundred miles to go see her. He bought a second helmet so he could take her riding when she came to town for the holidays. He told me that he had turned down a quite attractive job offer that would make him move to another country in order to stay here with her. It made him feel better, and it was a change from the deep depression he was in, so I helped him. I gave him girl advice. I tried to help him interpret the signs. I told him he should tell her how he felt.
She came home for the holidays, and he spent lots of time with her. I told him that now was the moment, if he wanted to make his move.
But, before he could get around to it, or because of some other reason, I don't exactly know how he went about the subject, his heart's desire figured out what was cooking and told him she wasn't interested in more than a friendship.
He was crushed. He told me he smoked pot and got drunk the night after. He went back to being depressed.
I don't know how to tell him that love doesn't happen that way, that you can't just 'fall in love' with someone you haven't spent much time with in the past and have just recently begun talking to online. But no matter what I say, I'm pretty sure that within a month or two, I will begin hearing about another girl again.
He's my friend, but I'm tired of this. I'm tired of hearing every single one of his problems and telling him to do something about them, only to be told that it's hopeless, that there's no way around it, that his relatives are horrible people and they are out to get him. I'm tired to hear him complain about other people, saying how intolerant they are, and then having his views forced on me when I disagree. I'm starting to think he's the intolerant one, he's the hypocrite. All this time I've spent talking to him has made me less interested in helping other people, just because this one case turned into a dragging weight I have to face every day. But at the same time he's my friend. And I don't want to hurt him.
Guess I'll have to get out of this some way or another, sooner or later. We'll see what happens.
One of my guy friends is a problem magnet. Four months ago, we started talking regularly, and he told me he was depressed. I spent time and effort trying to make him feel better. I talked to him almost every night, comforting him and trying to make him see he wasn't worthless. I guided him through his breakup with his girlfriend, who incidentally is also one of my friends, and I put up with hours of listening to complaints about how horrible she was, how intolerant, how needy. Meanwhile, I heard the exact same story from her, so I didn't judge either of them.
Eventually, he started hitting on me. He hinted that he liked me, that he should take me for coffee the next time I was in town, that we should hang out together. He told me that he had found another girl, blah blah blah yada yada yada. He hinted heavily. He inquired about my love life, which at the moment was going through difficult times because of the transition to college. I didn't respond to his advances. He hadn't outright told me I was 'the girl' he mentioned so much when he told me of his new love interest, so I feigned ignorance. Eventually, he did, so I told him I wasn't interested. Sound like a big deal? Not really. This isn't the first time he'd turned to me for affection, and both times I've told him I wasn't interested.
Eventually, he gave up for a whole two weeks, then started talking about a girl again. A different girl. She lived three hundred miles away, and he hadn't seen her in a good while, yet he was smitten. He told me everything, how she was nice and smart and a wonderful person. How he was in love, yet was afraid of being hurt again. How he talked to her for two hours every night. How he wanted to ride his new motorcycle three hundred miles to go see her. He bought a second helmet so he could take her riding when she came to town for the holidays. He told me that he had turned down a quite attractive job offer that would make him move to another country in order to stay here with her. It made him feel better, and it was a change from the deep depression he was in, so I helped him. I gave him girl advice. I tried to help him interpret the signs. I told him he should tell her how he felt.
She came home for the holidays, and he spent lots of time with her. I told him that now was the moment, if he wanted to make his move.
But, before he could get around to it, or because of some other reason, I don't exactly know how he went about the subject, his heart's desire figured out what was cooking and told him she wasn't interested in more than a friendship.
He was crushed. He told me he smoked pot and got drunk the night after. He went back to being depressed.
I don't know how to tell him that love doesn't happen that way, that you can't just 'fall in love' with someone you haven't spent much time with in the past and have just recently begun talking to online. But no matter what I say, I'm pretty sure that within a month or two, I will begin hearing about another girl again.
He's my friend, but I'm tired of this. I'm tired of hearing every single one of his problems and telling him to do something about them, only to be told that it's hopeless, that there's no way around it, that his relatives are horrible people and they are out to get him. I'm tired to hear him complain about other people, saying how intolerant they are, and then having his views forced on me when I disagree. I'm starting to think he's the intolerant one, he's the hypocrite. All this time I've spent talking to him has made me less interested in helping other people, just because this one case turned into a dragging weight I have to face every day. But at the same time he's my friend. And I don't want to hurt him.
Guess I'll have to get out of this some way or another, sooner or later. We'll see what happens.
1 comment:
Oh, Lord, I have friends like this and eventually they wear me out...although I really care about them. Nothing ever changes!
Happy New Year regardless!
:^) Anna
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